LIGHT IN ME

Light In Me

Author: Bannie Bandibas

I hear the jingle bells
and the clapping shells
in the kitchen where mama
used to cook shells on "gata."

Grandma also swaying
while she's mixing
the "maja blanca"
and "ube halaya."

Suddenly, someone shouted,
"turn on the lights, Ted."
It's Dad, now smilling,
for our "parol" is twinkling.

Then Grandpa took my hand,
said, "come with me, my son."
We walk towards a tree,
as green as my hoody.

Mom came closer,
she put the last flower.
She stare at me while saying,
"here you come, my little bean."

Dad lift me and Grandpa brought
something thorny, I thought
it was a harmful spider
but it was a star.

Everything in the room lit up,
the tree showed its top.
"Put it there my boy," dad said,
and I did with a scratch in my head.

Then they sorrounded me
and I asked confusely,
"what is happening?
It feels like this is a creepy thing."

"No, my love," grandma countered,
"This is a day should always be remembered.
A baby has spread light and happiness,
and bring joy to the world at its fullest.

A king was born and saved the world,
a child with wisdom and no sword.
We see Him in you, our kite,
Our light that soon will take his flight.

Christmas is for children,
just like you, Ben.
For a gift on this day is savored,
That saves the people He treasured."

December 20, 2018 | Light In Me | Janaya Rose Writes | 3rd Place

Hello,

here are some of the comments for your poem you submitted to the story contest. 

Punctuation:  use capitals beginning with each quotation marks

Grammar: a few things were in the wrong tense, such as: "I asked confusely" "Dad lift me"

Theme:  like that there was a Christmas theme - but didn't feel all to Christmassy

Story Cube Prompt:  the question mark wasn't used as well as I had hoped, the flashlight and light bulb were used very wisely

Coherency: a few things did not flow that greatly, and would flow better if you kept with the rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem (e.g. happiness and fullest don't rhyme)

Voice: very distinct voice

Notes: could be a bit more creative on the prompts, but they were there. Rhyme scheme was alright - maybe try play with word order or usehttps://www.thesaurus.com/  to find different words to keep with scheme. Noticed that there were some words from different languages, but the names were very English - don't be afraid to stick with the culture you are writing in!

I hope you find this all helpful! If you have any questions, please let me know. 

Janaya